Instead of just posting about green things, I figure I’d post about the most ungreen, unsustainable, unnecessary crap in America. Why just America? Because the Chinese government scares me.
Bottled Water
and not in a good way.
Here’s a short history of bottled water in America over the past forty years. Some of the names have been omitted due to lack of research:
“Who would pay for something you could get for free?” -American Businessmen in the 70’s.
“OMG I can’t believe they’re buying it!” -American Businessmen in the 80’s.
***Some time passes***
“Wait, you’re telling me if we don’t spend money on carbonation, coloring, and high-fructose corn syrup and charge the same amount they’ll still buy it?” -Coke and Pepsi in the 90’s.
“Well, you’ll have to put it in a really cool bottle that says your water is uniquely crisp and refreshing.” -Marketing douche.
“And that’s it?” -Coke and Pepsi.
“That’s it.” -Marketing douche.
“And we’ll make, like, a million dollars?” -Coke and Pepsi.
“Our douche analysts say that the US market should allow for about $15 billion in annual sales by 2006.” -Marketing Douche.
“I’m buying a flying car.” -Coke and Pepsi.
My Inspiration
I was at a really nice Italian restaurant a while back, waiting for my girlfriend to get back from the bathroom when a waiter came over to the table next to me and asked the young woman sitting there if she would like something to drink. ”Bottled water,” she replied. A minute or so went by and the waiter returned with a bottle of Fiji water inside a chilled silver container. ”Ewww, I HATE Fiji water do you have any Evian?”
“I’m sorry mam, I’ll get something else right away,” said the pity worthy waiter as I sat there in disbelief.
I then had a mini fantasy in my brain in which the waiter said ”I’m sorry bitch from Greenwich CT, are glacial waters that have been untouched by any living creature for hundreds of thousands of years not pure enough for you?”
this girl hates fiji water too. that's why she walks 5 miles to get the good stuff.
People like the Greenwich bitch have lost their perspective. Little do they know that a quarter of all bottled water is little more than hyped tap water. In a four year study covering over 103 brands sold in the US, the NRDC found that 1/3 of all the bottled water tested positive for E. coli, fecal coliform, or arsenic. Why did they find all this crap in bottled water? Because bottled water sold in the US isn’t held to the same safety standards as tap:
Even when bottled waters are covered by the FDA’s rules, they are subject to less rigorous testing and purity standards than those which apply to city tap water (see chart below). For example, bottled water is required to be tested less frequently than city tap water for bacteria and chemical contaminants. In addition, bottled water rules allow for some contamination by E. coli or fecal coliform (which indicate possible contamination with fecal matter), contrary to tap water rules, which prohibit any confirmed contamination with these bacteria. Similarly, there are no requirements for bottled water to be disinfected or tested for parasites such as cryptosporidium or giardia, unlike the rules for big city tap water systems that use surface water sources. This leaves open the possibility that some bottled water may present a health threat to people with weakened immune systems, such as the frail elderly, some infants, transplant or cancer patients, or people with HIV/AIDS.
Wow.
In part, I’m glad that bottled water contains bacteria’s shit. It’s a microscopic middle finger to all the gNoobs who contribute to the 60 million water bottles that are thrown out every day. But it’s not just the bottles themselves that create waste. It’s the thousands of miles some of them travel to get from places like Fiji, to LA (5,500 to be exact). And then the countless trucks used to ship these bottles to their respective vendors. And for what? Shit water? I think I’ll just walk the 10 feet to my kitchen sink.
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